Corona Vice
by AstroLatte
Summary: In a show of excellent judgment, the King teams Eugene with the Captain of the Guards to kick ass, take names, and try really hard not to kill each other.
1. Chapter 1

For all the time and effort he put into attaining a life of luxury, Eugene had to admit that living like royalty was boring as hell.

He usually spent his time wandering around the palace, figuring out which secret passage ways led to nowhere, and swiping up tiny knickknacks and being really disappointed when nobody noticed.

Today he was balancing Pascal on his knee as he lounged in one of the palace's many sitting room while Rapunzel worked out some math assignment. She had shown him what she was learning, but the second he saw that there were letters involved with her numbers, he checked out.

The only math he knew was addition, for adding how much money you made in a heist. Subtraction, for how much lost in a heist. Multiplication, for how much more you can make when hitting other hot spots. And division, for figuring out how much went to each lousy partner you had to share it with.

This amount had served him fine for the majority of his life and he was not willing to learn more now, no matter how bored he was. However, today was different from most days, as today he was summoned by a messenger, the second time in his entire palace life.

"Now, you're sure the King wants to talk to me?" he asked the skinny looking page as they made their way to the King's oval office.

The page didn't answer him, his nose was held up so high Eugene was wondering if he could smell the ceiling. He shrugged it off, used to being treated like crap at the palace. It didn't matter, he wasn't here for them.

"Your majesty," the page said with a bow as they entered the office. "_Mister_ Fitzherbert is here, as you requested."

The way the page emphasized the mister in his name almost made him roll his eyes, if there was one thing he couldn't stand was passive aggressiveness. He'd let it slide however, since punching the page would probably not score him many points from the ruler of Corona.

"Ah, splendid!" the King smiled, his beard brisling with merriment. "Take a seat, Eugene, my boy! I have wonderful news for you."

"You do?" he asked, taking a seat in front of the King's oversized desk. If there was one thing that surprised him during his stay at the palace was just how well the King and he had gotten along. Whether it be the consistently euphoric mood the monarch was in since his daughter's return, or the fact that he didn't have to waste time catching one of the kingdom's most wanted thieves, Eugene wasn't sure. Regardless, much like his daughter, the King always seemed to be able to share his positive vibes with the entire court.

The King nodded merrily, pacing his office as he checked over some documents. A second later the clanking of armor was heard as the Captain of the Guard entered through the door with a bow.

"My deepest apologies, Your Majesty," he huffed, before slowly rising to his full height, which by Eugene's standards wasn't very high at all. If anything he cheated with the helmet and its ridiculous headpiece. "Training the recruits took a little longer than I had expected."

"Never fret, Captain, take the seat," the King waved away the concerns with his passive hand. "I much rather you spend the extra time to make sure Corona is at its safest. I don't think you and Mr. Fitzherbert have properly met, that is, apart from the passing encounter of cops and robbers."

"Rider," the Captain grumbled, as he took a seat next to the younger man.

"Nice to see you too, Capt," Eugene nodded, with a smile that could curdle milk. "You know, prison bars do not do you justice."

"I could say the same to you," the Captain answered, his mustache flaring with annoyance. "Too bad I'd be lying."

"Now, now," the King interrupting before Eugene could spit out a come back. "I've invited the two of you here for a reason, and a very important one at that. One that requires your cooperation. Not just for your own benefit, but the entire kingdom itself."

"Is Corona in danger, Your Majesty?" the Captain asked urgently. "Are my men not doing enough to protect the kingdom?"

Eugene had an answer for that, but it consisted of a snort and a gesture that would cause his sissy manners tutor to faint.

"It would appear, Captain, that is not as safe as I would like it to be," the King sighed, looking between his two guest. "There seems to be an unrest in the criminal underworld of the kingdom, which is to be expected as its top three criminals, the Stabbingtons and Flynn Rider, have all been dealt with."

Eugene noticed the way the King looked at him and touched his throat tenderly, remembering just how close he came to sharing the fate of his former colleagues.

"In an ideal world, the crime would crumble from the top down, however I fear that is not as smooth of a transition as I would prefer," the King explained, moving towards the large window, looking over said Kingdom protectively. "I fear the safety of my Kingdom, but most of all I fear the safety of my daughter."

"Wait...Rapunzel?" Eugene croaked, sitting up in his chair as if it were on fire. "You think she's in danger?"

"I am not sure, but I know her return has brought much happiness to not just the Queen and myself, but hope to the entire kingdom," the King sighed, staring at Eugene intensely. "To jeopardize that in any way would cripple Corona as a whole."

"Are you asking us to increase our protection of Princess Rapunzel, Your Majesty?" Captain asked

"Well, it would seem we have gotten to the point of our meeting a bit sooner than expected," the King smiled, and Eugene felt the mood lift with his expression. "The increase of protection is not just for Rapunzel, but for all of Corona itself. I dream of my kingdom becoming a crime free environment, and while it is on the path to becoming a reality, I need you to hurry the process along."

"Where should my men begin?"

"You see, Captain, all I've been given are rumors. Rumors that I cannot trust, as they come from meager village gossip. If there's one thing the Royal Guards lack, Captain, it's a proper inside source."

"Your Majesty, with all due respect, my men and I have never used such methods simply because men like that cannot be trusted," the Captain made sure to stare as Eugene as he said the last words, before turning back to the King. "The risk behind a double-agent is too severe, especially when the princess's wellbeing is on the line! Who could we possibly find that we can trust not to betray us?"

"Ah, luckily Rapunzel has undergone such a quest on her own accord. I'd like to introduce you to your newest recruit," the King beamed, motioning to Eugene. "Eugene Fitzherbert, or as he's better known as, Flynn Rider!"

"WHAT?" Eugene and the Captain screamed, exchanging looks at each other then to the King. "ARE YOU SERIOUS?"

"As a heart attack," he nodded, staring back down at the documents in his hands. "Captain, Mr. Fitzherbert will act as your accomplice, aiding you in the nabbing of the petty criminals that still irritate my kingdom. It takes a thief to catch a thief, as they say."

"Well, of course, but," the Captain stammered, before pointing to Eugene. "But, _HIM_? Really? Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Captain, are you questioning the decision made by the ruler of this state?" the King asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No!" the Captain said quickly, his mustache drooping as he began to sweat bullets. "No, of course not...I trust every decision you make."

"Happy you feel so," the King said with a nod, before throwing the documents on the Captain's lap. "For your first assignment begins today, and I expect you and Mr. Fitzherbert to become the best of friends."

Eugene stared at the Captain, still unable to fully process the situation he was just thrown into. While resting the fate of the Corona on his shoulders was crazy enough, the very idea that him and the Captain could ever be friends was simply insane.


	2. Chapter 2

There was one thing Eugene didn't quite pickup during his last visit to the lair of the Royal Guards, and that was how damn dusty it was.

Located in the same sector as the gallows, he was pretty sure his execution and Rapunzel's wellbeing distracted him from just how badly it needed a good wash.

As he sat in the back of the room, surrounded by same faced guards, he ran a finger along the table and shuddered at the amount of dust caked on his finger. It seemed that public safety wasn't the only thing the guard had failed at.

"Men," the Captain began, pacing the front of the meeting area, the King's documents (which Eugene was not allowed to see apparently) gripped tightly in his hands. "While we have been successful incarcerating the Stabbingtons and Rider in the past, his majesty has informed me that there is still far too much crime in Corona."

Eugene crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow wondering how the guards finding him half-conscious and tied to a boat by his ex-sidekicks counted as an arrest.

"His Majesty has notified of me of person of interest that goes by the name of Black Eye," the Captain continued, throwing the file down on the table, shooting a cloud of dust in the face of the first few guards.

"Sir," one of the many guards asked, looking up at the Captain from the documents. "Are there any leads on Black Eye?"

"Not much in known about him, Conli, but what we were able to learn was that he's the one responsible for the shop robberies seen along the kingdom's lower distract."

"Oh," Conli nodded, going back to the documents, "So he's a petty thief like Rider."

Eugene snorted, choking slightly on the dust floating around the room. Petty thief? Him? Please.

"I would seem so, but even petty thieves grow to have bigger ambitions, as we saw with Rider and the Stabbingtons. Though we can't figure out what's fact from fiction until we get the dirt ourselves."

"How shall we do that, Sir? The Royal Guard have never used spies before - it's too risky."

"I couldn't agree more, however, it's the King's orders that we gather intel on Black Eye before hunting him down," the Captain sighed, pointing to the back of the wall. "So, say hello to our new...spy."

Looking confused, the guards turned between each other before noticing the familiar man in the back, crossing his arms and smiling handsomely.

"Hey, how ya doin'?" he greeted with a nod, as each guard's face dropped, turning from Eugene to their Captain, then back to Eugene, before resting on their Captain.

"Ca-ca-captain," Conli stammered, "Are you...are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Of course it's a terrible idea," the Captain roared, banging the table so hard with his fists the documents flew up. "I mean look at him!"

The guards stared at Eugene, who smiled and nodded again, before looking back at their Captain with a pleading look.

"Let's just get this over with," the Captain grumbled, rubbing the bridge between his eyes at the headache that was slowly forming.

* * *

><p>"So, Capt," Eugene began they neared a familiar watering-hole from his bad old days. "What wonderful adventure are we starting with today?"<p>

The mission had gotten off to a bad start, as Eugene and the Captain had fought over who would ride Maximus. The guards had watched the argument for a good twenty minutes before Rapunzel had run over to intervene, informing them that if they didn't share Maximus then nobody got to ride him.

And who would fight with a princess?

The Captain looked over his shoulder and sneered at Eugene, who was forced against his will to ride bitch on Maximus' back.

"You'll see when we get there, Rider," the Captain grumbled, turning back to the dirt path in front of them. "Until then, shut up."

Yup, this partnership was going to be a real treat.

Maximus took a turn to the left, towards a mini clearing that had a good shot of the pub between some brushes and scrubs. They neared a tiny scout party that had beat them to the spot - if only the Captain listened to him when he told them to stop for directions. Guards!

"What's the report?" the Captain demanded, jumping off of Maximus' back agilely, while the horse chucked Eugene to the side like a rag doll, "Any suspicious activity?"

"Sir, the target is inside," one of the same faced guards said as he scurried to his feet to salute. "They entered the bar around 15 minute ago."

"Good," the Captain turned to Eugene, who was still trying to get his foot out of Maximus' stirrup. "All right Rider, it's show time."

"I'm sorry, what?" Eugene asked, finally freeing himself.

"Were you listening to a word we just said?"

"Sure, I was...something about targets, right?" he replied dumbly, mimicking a bow and arrow in the air and making a "_Ping_!" noise.

"Just get in there and gather some damn information!" the Captain hollered and Eugene shoved his hands in his pockets.

"All right, all right...geez, don't get your mustache in a twist."

As he neared the entrance to the bar, he looked over his shoulder to see the stupid helmets of the stupid guards peering above the bushes. Wow, they really were incompetent; no wonder his job was always so easy.

The tavern was familiar, as it was one of his old haunts. Looking around he didn't recognize any faces, except that of the bartender, so he took a seat on an empty stool and made eye contact with the bartender.

"Well, if it isn't Flynn Rider," he grinned a toothless grin as he cleaned a dirty glass with an even dirtier rag. "I'd say I missed ya, but I ain't no liar. They finally kick you out of the palace yet?"

"You could say that," Eugene mumbled, slouching over the bar as the bartender filled the glass with ale and placed it in front of him.

"Can't miss what you never really had, kid," the Bartender continued, looking around. "You've been gone for a few weeks, things have changed 'round here, y'know?"

"What kind of changes?" Eugene asked with a eyebrow raise.

"The kind that brings bottom-feeders together," he nodded his head to a guy at the end of the bar. "If you ain't too fat from those six-course meals they feed you at the castle, and need to get back in the game, it'd probably be in your best interest to get in on it."

What a helpful bartender! Maybe being a spy wouldn't be so hard after all.

From the corner of his eye, Eugene examined his would-be target. It was a stocky, thin haired man who tapped the top of his glass and looked around anxiously. He was begining to doubt if this guy really was his target until he noticed that he was sporting a black eye.

Duh!

There was a clanking of glass on the bar counter as a voluptuous dark haired woman with an eyepatch refilled his mug. He raised an eyebrow at her, as the tavern never had a barmaid before, and he would have definitely have recognized her.

If this were Flynn Rider a month ago, he would have smoldered her so hard, both her panties and her eyepatch would hit the floor.

There was a loud bang from the entrance as a burly, bald man kicked his way through the bar, throwing it off its hinges, "MACMILLAN! I GOT A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU."

From how high the kid jumped off his stool as he bald man stomped towards him, Eugene took that the name of his target was Macmillan, well at least he gathered that.

"Ooh hi there...Frank!" Macmillan stammered, falling backwards on his stool into a nervous mess on the floor. "Long time no -ACK"

"Yeah, no thanks to you and that chicken-shit boss of yours," the burly man growled, taking Macmillan by the throat. "I'm the only one of my men that got out, the rest are in Corona's gallows."

"Hey, knock this crap off," the bartender growled, throwing his rag over his shoulder and stepping out from behind the bar. "If you two wanna row, then take it outside."

"Screw off, Gramps, can't you see I'm talking with you-"

There was a loud crash of glasses shattering and the sound of fabric rustling as the eye patched woman leaped over the counter. With two swift hits she had managed to knock Macmillan from Frank's hold, and sedated the much larger man, the blade of an automatic knife pressed against his jugular.

The room was still. Eugene's eyes met the woman's, and her free eye slowly fell to his wrists - his cufflinks.

His stupid cufflinks.

The same stupid gold cufflinks with the stupid royal crest that the King had stupidly given to him weeks before throwing him into this whole stupid mess with the entire stupid royal guard.

God he was stupid.

Abruptly the eye-patched woman kicked a stool towards him, which he avoided with ease. Forgetting Frank and Macmillan, she lunged towards Eugene, knocking over several mugs of ale. He rolled behind the bar, grabbing the nearest object which was ironically a cast iron skillet.

Of course.

The woman chased him behind and over the bar, skillfully wielding the knife. He managed to hold her off with the pan, blocking and swinging, back and forth, her knife sailing a hair's breadth from his cheek as he dodged, bending to one side. His back hit the wall, ramming his shoulder hard into one of the lantern fixtures, twisting away from the hot oil that splattered across the floor and ignited, before avoiding another swipe.

If he hadn't been so focused on not getting his throat slit, he would have noticed that the entire tavern had erupted into a bar fight, and several of the tables they wove around were currently on fire.

"Listen, Lady Black-beard," he huffed, as he avoided another of her stabs, and jumped over two men rolling around on the floor. "I dunno if you know this, but trying to stab your patrons is not the best business strategy."

"You were never a patron, Rider," she hissed in her throaty voice, ducking suddenly as a small man was thrown across the bar. "Your reputation as a double-crosser proceeds you."

"Really? Not my devilish smile?"

With a rage filled scream, she kicked him through the pub's door, and he landed in the dirt, his pan flying out of his hand. He scrambled for the skillet, but she stepped on his wrist, stopping him in his tracks.

"Should've guess the palace was on my trail," she grumbled, as Eugene tried in vain to pull her off his wrist.

"They weren't after you, they wanted Mac -AUGH!" he screamed as she stopped harder on his wrist smiling wickedly.

"Don't be stupid," she hissed. "I'm Black Eye you idiot."

"Wait...you?" he panted, furrowing his brow in confusion. "But you...you don't have a Black Eye!"

The woman pointed to her eyepatch.

"Oh."

The sound of approaching horses interrupted her with a pounding of the ground as the guards came closer. "Hmm...took them longer than I thought."

Eugene felt the pressure leave his wrist within a second, as she was already off and running into the familiar forest.

Climbing to his feet, he rubbed his surely broken wrist as the troop of guards rushed past him. He had just turned around, ready to hoof it back to the castle, when he was hoisted off the ground by back of his vest and thrown on the back of Maximus.

Great, not only was he forced to ride along for this chase, but now had a beautiful view of Maximus's ass.

"DON'T LET HER GET AWAY, MEN!" Eugene heard the Captain yell from behind him, as he watched trees and dirt pass him.

It was definitely weird riding the horse backwards, he had to admit, almost like the forest was sucking him in. He was also feeling really dizzy, and his wrist killed from when that crazy pirate woman stomped on it.

"For the record," the Captain growled, and Eugene knew he was talking to him because he was so damn mad, "You are the worse damn spy I've ever seen. All you had to do was sit there and gather information. That's it, and now look!"

It was actually quite easy for Eugene to look, as he was facing the now towering inferno the tavern had become. He felt bad about it, that barkeep was a good guy.

"Hey, I didn't ask for this," he said over his own shoulder. "I was just sitting there when that psycho eyepatch chick attacked me."

"...you kept your cufflinks on didn't you?"

"NO!" he denied, crossing his arms and swearing when he remember his injured wrist.

"You're an idiot," the Captain growled with a shake of his head, and Maximus neighed loudly in agreement. "So why are we chasing this woman?"

"She's Black Eye," he said, still sour over all whole situation. "The kid was just a decoy."

"You know why she was playing waitress, then?"

"No clue," he shrugged, balancing on Maximus' rear as they closed in on the woman. "How about instead of small talk with me, you catch her and ask her yourself."

The Captain ignored him after that, changing his attention to bossing Maximus and the guards around. From behind, Eugene noticed the familiarity of the forest and it instantly hit him where the woman was headed.

"Hold up!" he yelled, over his shoulder. "Really, you gotta make a right, not a left up here."

"What?" the Captain questioned. "Why? She's heading left!"

"Yeah, cause she doesn't know about the waterfall."

"What? What waterfall?

"The one me and Max tumbled down back when you chased me," he explained. "Take a right, and you'll bypass it and catch her when she tumbles into the greenery."

The Captain looked from Eugene down to Max, "Is this true, Maximus?"

Maximus nodded his head, surprised that not only had Eugene remembered the exact location of their fall, but that it had slipped his own mind.

"All right," the Captain bellowed, "FOLLOW ME, MEN."

From the back, Eugene watched as the Eye-patched woman sprinted left, completely unaware of the what lay ahead of her. By the time they reached the greenery, they saw her tangled in vines and shrubbery above them. She had obviously lost her knife during her fall.

"Told ya so," Eugene grinned as they came a stop, he looked up to see the woman pouting, "Hey, how's it hanging?"

She replied by flipping him the bird, an impressive achievement considering her tangled circumstance. It took three guards to cut her down and handcuff her, sitting her on the back of one of their horses, reading her rights to her as they made their way back to the Kingdom.

"Name?" The Captain grumbled as they galloped along the road, Eugene still facing the wrong way.

"Black Eye," the woman answered under her breath, and was prodded by a nervous looking Conli. "Ow...fine, it's Mabel."

"Mabel what?"

Another mumble and prod, "OW, QUIT IT."

"Then answer the question!"

"UGH, FINE!" she growled, her face red with a mixture of embarrassment and fury, "My name is Mabel Wanker, dammit!"

Eugene couldn't help but snort and Mabel shot him a look with her good eye, "Screw off, Fitzherbert."

"How'd you-"

"You're the pansy-ass who brought back the Princess to bank on a life of luxury," Mabel hissed, her hands clenching behind her back, "I also know your true colors."

"That I'm handsome and charming?"

"That you're a disgusting _rat_," she spat, "You're lucky I was the only one in there trying to slit your throat."

"That's enough, Wanker," the Captain shouted, turning to Eugene. "Don't talk to the suspects in custody, Rider. It's annoying."

"Seems like this pig doesn't even trust you," Mabel continued, smirking from the back of the nervous Guards horse. "Makes you wonder why they even spared your no good ass."

The Captain looked over his shoulder to see that for probably the first time in his life, Eugene didn't have a smart ass comeback.


	3. Chapter 3

Rapunzel strung her legs through the bars of her balcony, dangling them limply into the night air. Her face was scrunched up in a frown as Pascal rested on her shoulder, both their eyes on the dreary man sitting below with one leg bent up and the other sprawled out.

"It's not like him, Pascal," she said softly, turning to her longest friend. "He doesn't usually pout like this."

The chameleon whirred in agreement, Eugene's suddenly darkened demeanor felt strange, like the world has been tilted on its side.

"It's probably about the assignment father gave him," she thought out loud, her tiny hands gripping the bar tightly. "It doesn't seem like it went very well, huh?"

Pascal shrugged, sometimes Eugene got mad over weird things. Like that time he made a bed out of his sock drawer, or that time he brought in grapes into said sock drawer bed and forgot them there. Eugene was really mad about that for no good reason.

"I can't let him sulk all night," she said, climbing to her feet, "C'mon Pascal, we're going down there."

Pascal chirped happily, not really knowing where they were going, but he liked going on walks with Rapunzel. He was a little put off though when instead of walking to the hallway, she headed straight for the bed. Hopping from her shoulder to the bed, he was surprised when he felt the comforter move from beneath his paws. With a squeak, he ran along the blanket, seemingly going nowhere until with a final tug, it was freed from the mattress.

Confused, he looked up to see the pixie cut princess examine the blanket, before shaking her head with disapproval.

"This isn't going to be long enough," she mumbled, pursing her lips in thought.

Oh! They were making a rope to go below - that makes sense!

Squeaking excitedly, Pascal hurried to the pillow case, pulling the pillow free from the case with his mouth before dragging the case to Rapunzel. She smiled, taking it happily.

"We're gonna need a little bit more than that," she laughed, taking the sheet as well and tying it together to form a long rope. When it was complete she made her way back to the banister, tying it securely.

She looked at Pascal on her shoulder who sent her a chameleon thumbs up, before using the sheets as a rope. Smoothly, she scaled the side of the castle down to Eugene's balcony.

As her feet stepped onto marble, she looked across hesitantly to see Eugene watching her, the side of his face pressed against his knee.

"Looks like you still got it," he said, trying to hide the weight of his thoughts with the lightness of his voice.

"I saw you from upstairs," she said, pointing upwards. "What's wrong?"

"What? Nothing's wrong."

"Is it your hand?" she asked, ignoring his response. Swiftly sitting next to him, her nightgown fluttering as she sat. "Does it still hurt?"

"No," he mumbled, hiding his wrapped wrist under his leg. He found it annoying that she was able to see through his facades so easily. "Look, I'm fine, really. Just had a long day, you know, showing the guards what's-"

"Is it because of what happened today?" she blurted, frustrated by his failure to cooperate. His eyes widened in shock, before he cleared his throat loudly, turning back to the view of the kingdom. She wrung her hands together, uncomfortably. Looking at Pascal for support, he egged her on from her shoulder. "I heard about the tavern."

"That I burned it to the ground?" he chuckled humorlessly. "Not particularly the best first day of work, huh?"

"Not really," she shrugged, smiling awkwardly. "But you caught that Black Eye woman, right?"

At the mention of Black Eye Eugene's face fell, and he rested his head back on his knees, mumbling sourly.

"Eugene?"

He didn't respond and Rapunzel puffed a strand of hair from her face exasperatedly. She didn't want to have to do this, but she left him no choice. Reaching out to his arm, she pinched him hard.

"OW!" he shrieked, pulling away. "Rapunzel what are-OW! Stop that!"

He managed to snatch both her tiny wrists in his uninjured hand. The determined look on her face was a little frightening. The laughing chameleon on her shoulder the only reminder of the silliness of their situation.

"Why won't you tell me why you're upset?" she frowned.

"Because I'm not!"

"Then why are you pouting?"

"I...it's just..." he sighed, lowering her wrists, but not freeing them. "I don't get what I'm supposed to be doing here, all right?"

He glanced at her briefly to see her determination had slowly melted into thoughtfulness. He pursed his lips together uncomfortably before continuing.

"I'm not cut out for this stuff. I'm in this for you, that's it. What other worth do I have, you know?"

"But you _do_ have worth," she insisted, shaking her wrists and moving his hand with them. "If you weren't there, that Black Eye woman would have gotten away! There's a reason father asked you to help the guards - they need someone like you!"

"Rapunzel, they _don't_ trust me," he groaned. "Nobody does, they all treat me like I'm some kind of criminal."

She sent him a look he knew she picked up from him, and rolled his eyes.

"You know what I mean!"

"So earn it," she sternly. "Show them how good you are, and that they need you because nobody else can be what you are."

"Which is?" he asked, letting go of her wrists so he could rest his chin on his hand.

"Flynn Rider," she answered and covered his lips with her own before he could fight her point any further.


	4. Chapter 4

Eugene had to admit, his heart-to-heart with Rapunzel really seemed to clear his head. The next morning he made his way down the dinning hall with a skip in his step, whistling a few tunes. He greeted the help as he passed, and even though most of them replied with a baffled stare or eye roll, it didn't bug him one bit.

Because even if he really was Eugene Fitzherbert, it didn't mean he wasn't allowed to act a little Flynn Rider-ish.

As he approached the table, he noted the bizarre seating situation. Sitting at a long oversized table, the King and Queen sat at either sides, and smiled at Eugene who sat directly across from Rapunzel in the middle of the table. There was just so much space between everyone.

It made mealtime chats especially awkward since everything echoed and he had to resist the urge to shout at someone to pass the butter.

"How's your hand feeling?"

From across the table, his eyes meet with Rapunzel, who still appeared to be worried.

"Much better," he smiled at her as he began to stack pancakes onto his plates. From under the table he tapped her foot lightly, reassuring her that things other than his hand were all right.

"Eugene," the King said merrily as he cut his eggs on his plate. "I must congratulate you on your excellent work yesterday. I must admit, I was a bit flabbergasted after hearing you incinerated a local tavern. However, with Black Eye in our custody I'm sure-"

"Dear," the Queen said, her voice even but stern, "No talk of work at the table."

"Oh...yes, very true," the King nodded, before turning back to Eugene and giving him the impression that if they weren't yards apart they'd he'd still whisper the conversation. "We'll speak later, my boy, but right now you should eat up. I'm sure the Captain has a tough day planned for you."

"I wouldn't doubt it," Eugene said as he drenched his pancakes with syrup. "He'll most likely want to kick my a-"

There was a knock against the wall as everyone looked up to see Conli nervously standing in the foyer.

"Good morning, Conli," Rapunzel greeted happily. "How are you?"

"Oh...um, very well, Princess, thank you," he answered, bowing so quickly that Eugene was sure he would face plant the marble. "Um...the Captain demands Mr. Rider...uh...I mean, Mr. Fitzherbert's presence, please."

"Could I finish my breakfast first?" he asked, pointing to his pancakes with his fork.

"Uh...the Captain said...oh wait," he reached into the breast pocket of his uniform, pulling out a small note, before reading it aloud. "Ahem...'Notify Rider that if I don't see his ugly mug in my office in 15 minutes, I'll do bring him myself and personally see to it that the only thing smoldering will be his no good ass.' Uh...sorry."

"What a nice love letter," Eugene smirked as he finished off the pancake he started before Conli read the Captain's note. He pushed backwards on his chair with a squeak of wood against marble, before swiping the note away from Conli. He brought it to his face and inhaled deeply. "Ah...smells like rage and rogaine. All right, I'm going."

"Seems best," the King laughed heartily. "Don't want any smoldered rears."

"Uh...Eugene?" Rapunzel piped quickly, gaining his attention before he left. She bit her bottom lip slightly before smiling nervously. "Good luck!"

"Thanks, Princess," he winked and bowed at the King and Queen before following Conli out to the lair of the Captain.

* * *

><p>"Mornin' Capt," Eugene grinned as he stuck his head into the Captain's office, which was just as dusty as everything else in the Guards' Quarters. "How's it going?"<p>

"Sit," the Captain ordered, as he did the same behind his desk which was covered in stacks of papers as well as a photograph he couldn't make out as it was turned away.

Eugene followed suit, sitting in the dark green overstuffed chair that sat in front of the Captain's desk. Although the second he sat down, something felt off.

"Rider, I just wanted to let you know that what you did yesterday was dangerous, stupid, and not to mention cost the kingdom a hefty sum in property damage."

Wait...maybe he was just sitting on it wrong. Maybe if he leaned a bit to the side and crossed his legs...no, that didn't help.

"However, with the help of your directions, in the end we were able to capture Black Eye. Which at the very least, made our missions a success."

He tried slouching in the chair, and moving his legs further apart, but it didn't seem to help matters at all.

"So, for that I just wanted to say -" the Captain broke off his speech as he banged his desk with a bellow, "RIDER, PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TRYING TO PRAISE YOU, DAMMIT."

"Captain," Eugene said, seriously, his body still contorted into a weird pretzel looking pose. "I have to tell you something."

"WHAT?"

"This is the most uncomfortable chair I've ever sat on in my entire life."

The Captain grit his teeth, as Conli appeared at the door.

"SIR!" he noticed the purple shade his Captain was turning and the awkward way Eugene sat on the chair and backed out slightly, "Uh...I'm sorry am I interrupting?'

"No," he answered, circling out from behind his desk to march up to Conli. He grabbed the documents from the guard, perusing them as Eugene peeked from behind the uncomfortable chair. "What's the word on Wanker's statement?"

"Yeah, what's up with that chick?" Eugene asked, frowning. "I never met her before in my life, but she wanted to kill me."

"We asked about that, actually," the Captain sneered, glancing over his shoulder. "She just hates your guts. I found that be a good enough reason to attack you."

"Gee thanks."

"Did she know anything about Cadabra?" the Captain asked, skimming over the documents again.

"Yes, sir!"

"Cadabra?" Eugene echoed, leaning over the back of the chair on his elbows.

"_Colonel_ Cadabra."

"Oh sorry, didn't know he was a veteran."

The mustached man grumbled angrily, shoving the documents under his arm as he turned to Conli.

"She confirmed our suspicions, then?"

"Yes, sir, it would appear that Cadabra's weakness is-"

"PROSTITUTES?" Eugene exclaimed and the other two men turned to see him lounged on the chair, documents in hand.

Taken-aback, the Captain patted himself down to see that his documents had been swiped. He grabbed them back from Eugene, smacking him across the head with them, mustache flaring.

"His Majesty would also like there to be less solicitation on the streets," the Captain explained between clenched teeth. "It would be killing two birds with one stone."

Leaning back against the headrest of the chair, Eugene sighed, "Aw, leave the girls alone. They're just trying to make a living."

"Ignore him, Conli," the Captain went back to his inferior. "Now, are the supplies ready for the plan?"

"Of course, sir...but...um...we're missing one major aspect of the plan."

"Plan what?" Eugene piped from the chair.

"Wanker won't cooperate then?"

"Cooperate with what?"

"No...and there are no other girls we can use."

"USE FOR WHAT?"

"RIDER, SHUT UP," the Captain roared, crumpling the documents in his hand and throwing them at the man. "That's a major problem."

Rolling his eyes, Eugene stood from the chair and picked up the paper ball from the floor. Smoothing it out on his knee, he quickly read the notes and the Captain's plan for capturing their latest target.

"Ah, you wanted to use Lady Wanker to pose as a call girl to nab this guy?" he said, tapping two fingers against his chin, "Yeah, no way will she agree to that."

"Thanks for pointing out the obvious, Rider. How did we ever manage without you?"

"I dunno, but I do have a better idea for this scheme."

"Like what? You gonna dress up and have us all call you Eugenia?"

"Not quite, my body's too chiseled for a corset," he smirked, leaning against the chair. "We need someone more...timid. Smaller...someone who can take orders well."

The Captain met Eugene's eyes like a hawk and followed them to the nervous looking guard in their presence.

"Oh… oh no," Conli squeaked, backing up only to bump against the wall, his eyes widening and any further protests dying in his throat, as the captain and Eugene advanced on him slowly, wicked smiles growing across their faces.


	5. Chapter 5

Eugene catcalled as he sauntered back to the ally where the Captain and guards were standing with a very formal looking Conli.

Fidgeting more than normally, the guard was sporting a pink, frilly dress that Rapunzel was eagerly willing to donate to the cause. She even did his hair and makeup accordingly.

"Looking good, man," he grinned, before turning to the Captain. "The girls are at their usual spot, apparently your man is a regular."

"How'd you find that out?" the Captain asked, raising an eyebrow.

"One of the girls was an old friend of mine," he answered, leaving it at that. "Don't worry, they dunno I'm with you. They think I have beef with him personally."

"Hmm...nice work, Rider."

"I know, right?" he turned to Conli. "Hey _Connie_, you should get out there if you wanna get this show on the road."

"Uh...Captain?" Conli asked, turning to his commander for support.

"As much as it pains me to say this, Rider's right. Go on ahead while we wait here for the bust."

"R-right," the guard nodded, before wobbling off in his heels.

Eugene watched the guards scurry off to hide behind things, and looked to the Captain to see that he had not moved.

"Um...so, what now?"

"We wait."

"Yeah...but where?"

The Captain pointed to two garbage cans behind the girls and an unbalanced Conli. Eugene made a face, and followed the Captain to climb in his own can.

"This stinks."

"Can it, Rider," the Captain growled, his voice echoed by the can.

"No, I mean this literally stinks. I think something took a crap in here."

The Captain rolled his eyes before focusing on their target. A few hours passed, with various girls getting in and out of carriages, but none of the patrons matched the description of Cadabra.

From his own can, Eugene yawned widely, reaching into his breast pocket to check the pocket watch the King had given him. What he was met with instead, was the feeling of something scaly.

Baffled, he looked down and saw the familiar face of Pascal staring up at him, grinning wildly.

"Pascal?" he hissed, "Wait...how did you..what are you doing in there?"

Peaking his head from the pocket, he climbed to the rim of Eugene's vest, chirping excitedly. Eugene didn't need to understand chameleon to figure out why the tiny lizard was taking residency in his pocket.

"Rapunzel put you up to this, didn't she?"

Pascal nodded slowly, as if to say, "Yeah, didn't you listen to a word I just chirped?"

"I don't need to be watched over, okay?" he said, picking up the chameleon. "It's all good, now go back to the Palace and...I dunno...do frogs things."

Pascal looked around the garbage can and slowly walked back down Eugene's wrist, and ducked back into his pocket, nervously.

"You have no idea how to get back, do you?'

Pascal shook his head, smiling.

"Fine, but just stay there okay?"

Pascal nodded, saluting Eugene before curling inside, and matching the blue color of his vest.

"And don't you dare puke in there!"

"Rider!" the Captain ordered, "Pay attention! I think we got our man."

Eugene turned away from his pocket to see a short, balding man wearing a cloak. His carriage was small and rickety, with a sign that read "Magic" on the side.

"Guy's a snake oil salesman," the Captain explained, his eyes still on the scene. "Been conning people into buying his bullshit potions for months. Lucky for us, he uses his earnings on more recreational means."

Eugene nodded, and watched as Conli stood in place, looking absolutely terrified. He felt Pascal try to crawl up from his pocket to see what was happening. Eugene shoved him down, not wanting to corrupt the tiny chameleon with the evils of sexual solicitation.

"Hello ladies," Cadabra's high voice squeaked, leaning out of the broken window of his carriage.

"Hello yourself, looking for some company?" one of the girls smiled sweetly, approaching the cart. From behind her, Conli kept looking from the garbage cans to Cadabra, in the most conspicuous manner possible.

"And you said I was a bad spy," Eugene grumbled.

"You are a bad spy," the Captain explained, "Conli's just a bad whore."

"Hey how about you, sweetheart?" Cadabra shrieked, pointing to Conli. "I haven't seen you before."

"M-me?" Conli squeaked, not even trying to impersonate a feminine voice.

"Yeah, you feel like taking a _ride_ tonight?" the man asked, trying to sound suave, "I can show you some of my magic."

"Uh...okay...uh...hot stuff," Conli squeaked, his voice getting as high as Cadabra's, "But um...just so I'm sure...by taking a ride you mean...um...exchanging sexual favors for money, right?"

"Oh dear god," the Captain and Eugene groaned, banging their heads on their trash cans in unison.

Raising an eyebrow, Cadabra slowly opened the door to his carriage. When he took a step into the pavement, Eugene noticed that he was barely up to the girls' hips, and was face-to-face with Conli's crotch.

"You're no hooker." Cadabra sneered, looking up at Conli who looked like he was going to pee his pants.

"He's so screwed," Eugene whispered from his can, turning to the Captain. "Hey, shouldn't we help him out?"

"No, he's got it."

"S-s-sure I am!" Conli laughed nervously, trying to walk backwards in his heels by failing miserably. "I love being paid for...uh..sexual favors."

"Yeah, he's screwed," the Captain grumbled, leaping from his can, drawing his sword and towering over Cadabra. "FREEZE, THIS IS A BUST!"

The second the Captain leaped, the nervous guards from the areas appeared like ninjas. Seemingly out of nowhere, the hookers were surrounded by Corona's finest.

The girls (and Conli) screamed, looking from the Captain to Eugene whose legs fell asleep during their stakeout and tumbled out of his garbage can clumsily.

"CADABRA, YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR SELLING UNLICENSED MERCHANDISE AND SOLICITING PROSTITUTES," the Captain then turned to the group of girls, "AND YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR...WELL, FOR BEING PROSTITUTES!"

"Are you serious?" one of the girls shrieked, turning to Eugene who had risen to his feet, wiping a stray banana peel from his trousers. "YOU WERE BEHIND THIS?"

"Huh?" he grunted, looking up to see the familiar hooker run at him, heel in hand. The Captain subdued her easily, causing her to drop her weapon as he dragged her away.

"Geez, Rider," the Captain grunted, trying to pull the girl away as she hissed and clawed his arm with her long, red nails. "Women just hate your guts."

Eugene was about to respond when he noticed that two very important people were missing.

"Wait...where's Conli and Cadabra?"

"What?" the Captain grunted, handing the foaming girl to a guard. "They were just here a sec-"

"C-C-CAPTAIN HELP!" came Conli's voice and they turned to see he had been stuck in Cadabra's carriage that was currently speeding away. "CADBRA TOOK ME WHILE YOU WERE FIGHTING WITH THE HOOKER!"

"Damn it!" the Captain swore, turning to his men, "TAKE CARE OF THESE GIRLS, I'M GOING AFTER - AUGH!"

He was cut off by Eugene zooming past him on Maximus, leaving him and the guards in the dust.

"RIDER WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

"CALLING SHOTGUN!" Eugene yelled over his shoulder, before gripping onto Maximus's reigns. "All right, Max, let's catch ourselves a criminal!"

With a neigh Maximus sped after the carriage, where Cadabra was whipping his horses to go faster. From inside, a terrified looking Conli peeked out. They pulled up towards the nervous guard, his dress fluttering in the wind.

"Oh...h-hello, Mr. Rider...I mean Fitzher-"

"Never mind," Eugene yelled, as he motioned Conli over with his bandaged hand. "Hop on!"

"Uh...okay," he nodded, kicking open the carriage door. From the front, Cadabra looked over his shoulder to see his hostage was escaping.

"HEY, BACK OFF MY HOSTAGE," he shrieked, throwing a potion over his shoulder at Eugene and Maximus. They dodged the small bottle, causing it to smash onto the pavement in a puff of blue smoke. "GET YOUR OWN."

"PULL OVER, CADABRA!"

"THAT'S _COLONEL_ CADABRA!" the tiny man called, as he tossed another potion. This time it barely missed Eugene's face as it whizzed past his ear before smashing behind them.

"WHAT ARE YOU EVEN A COLONEL OF EXACTLY?"

"UGGHHH!" he tiny man yelled in supreme irritation, as he whipped his horses harder, speeding away as Conli hugged the side of the door.

"Crap, we gotta stop him somehow," Eugene mumbled, before looking down at Maximus. "Hey Max, try to pull up next to him - I got an idea."

Maximus sent him a doubtful look before pounding forward. As they neared Cadabra, Eugene leaned forward, ready to pounce onto the carriage. However, what he wasn't prepared for was the last potion Cadabra threw over the side. It smashed again his vest, leaving him unscathed until he heard a weak cough from his pocket.

Oh no...

"Pascal!" he yelled, as Maximus slowed down some so Eugene could reach into his pocket and pull out the tiny chameleon. "Pascal? Are you all right?"

Eugene watched as his tiny eyes grew heavy, his scales changing between red and yellow. He swallowed hard, knowing that Rapunzel would never forgive him if anything ever happened to Pascal. Not to mention he had become found of the little guy - he didn't want anything bad to happen to him.

"Take it easy, okay?" he begged, as Pascal tried to sit up in his palm. He looked like he was going to be sick, which probably was best. "Hey, remember when I said you couldn't puke in my pocket? Yeah, I take it back - you can totally puke now, okay? Get whatever was in the potion out of your system."

Pascal began to heave, when suddenly instead of a messy burst of frog puke, came a stream of fire that nearly set Eugene's beard aflame.

"WOAH!" Eugene exclaimed as Pascal suddenly gained his green color again, and blinked a few times before spewing fire again. "HOLY CRAP, PASCAL!"

Squeaking happily, Pascal seemed to regain his health as he happily breathed fire at to the carriage. Maximus's hooves pounded the pavement again, as they neared Cadabra's cart.

"Hey, Cheap Trick!" he called. "This is your final warning to pull over, and end this peacefully."

"Or what?" Cadabra sneered and turned to see that Eugene was holding a tiny chameleon towards him. "Oh, are you going to have your little froggy friend croak me to death?"

"Worse," he smirked, as Pascal puffed his chest. "He'll do this."

At the cue Pascal belched a long stream of fire at the man, distracting him enough for Eugene to hop from Maximus's back to the carriage.

"Excuse me," he announced as he kicked the small man off the cart and watched as he tucked and rolled into the dirt. "Dashing hero coming through."

Pascal climbed onto his shoulder as he took hold of the reigns, pulling back and stopping the horses. When the carriage came to a halt, he jumped off to make sure Conli was all right.

"Uh...thank you," he said as he uneasily stepped onto the pavement from the carriage. "That was...very impressive."

"Oh, that little thing?" Eugene shrugged shoving his hands in his pockets. "Saving cross-dressers in distress with a fire breathing frog is old hat for me."

"Where's Colonel Cadabra though?"

"Max got him," Eugene answered as the white horse dragged the magician to them by his teeth. "I'm not worried about that, though. I'm gonna have worse to deal with in a few minutes."

"What's that?"

"Your boss," he said, thumbing the fuming looking Captain who approached them on a sickly looking brown horse.


	6. Chapter 6

Eugene was wrong, the Captain didn't berate him the second he saw him. He did something worse.

He ignored him.

After Cadabra was in custody, they began the slow journey back to the Royal Prison. Eugene rode the sickly brown horse while Pascal rode on his head, happily spitting tiny balls of fire into the air. In front of them rode the Captain on Maximus, the only evidence of his annoyance was his sterner than usual features and frazzled mustache.

"Ooh," Cadabra laughed to Eugene from the horse they were transporting him on. "You're gonna get it!"

By the time they reached the outskirts of the palace, the Captain very calmly directed each of his men, and watching as the guards lead Cadabra to his cell.

"Well, that's that!" Eugene grinned, turning to the Captain who still ignored him, flipping through documents instead. He frowned as the mustached man turned and made his way towards his office.

"Listen, Cap," Eugene cleared his throat, as he followed him down the hall. "I know you're a little...peeved that I took Maximus, but we got the guy in the end! I mean, sure I kind of left you in the dust there, but all in all it was a job well done."

The only sounds emitting from the Captain was the clacking of his boots against the floor.

"And we got to see Connelly in a dress," he let out an overzealous laugh, "I mean, that was pretty funny, right? Hey how about you leave those docs in your office and we have the chef whip us up some milk and-"

He was cut off by the Captain slamming his office door in his face. Followed by the loud clicking of locks.

"...cookies." Eugene grumbled, thumping his head against the door. "Uh...okay! Or not! That's cool too...I guess."

He stepped away from the door, hands shoved in his pockets, and began his trek up towards the castle. From his shoulder he heard a tiny sigh and turned to see that Pascal had turned a deep shade of blue.

"What's your damage?" he asked lamely, "Can't spit fire anymore?"

Pascal nodded slowly, sticking his tongue out to blow a rasberry.

"Sorry," he answered unsympathetically. He much rather the tiny chameleon be fireless now that they were back at the palace. It would have been a really awkward conversation for him to have with Rapunzel otherwise.

Turning back to the hallway and making his way towards his room. He made his way inside slowly, kicking off his boots, and falling face first into his mattress. He heard Pascal bounce beside him. He knew he should kick the chameleon out so Rapunzel wouldn't worry, but he was too tired to even open his mouth.

Eugene awoke a few hours later when he heard the creaking of his door open, and sound of tiny feet paddling along his bedroom floor.

The springs of his mattress squeaked, and he felt the warmth of a tiny body leaning over him.

"Oh hi, Pascal," Rapunzel whispered, her breath tickling his face as the tiny chameleon squeaked tiredly. "I was looking for you. Did you sleep well?

Pascal squeaked something slowly and groggily before Rapunzel reached over him, taking the tiny chameleon in her hands. He felt the mattress spring back as she rolled off, exiting his room quickly.

Through his sleep numb mind he managed feel a bit put off that Rapunzel ignored him, even though she did think he was asleep.

A few minutes later (or it could've been hours) he heard the door open again, and again Rapunzel was in his bed.

"Move over," she ordered, kicking a cold foot against his back, causing him to scoot quickly.

"Not even a good morning? How cold," he said into his pillow as she wrapped her arms around him from behind, burying her head between his shoulder blades. "What time is it anyway?"

"Early enough that I managed to get down here pretty easily," she answered, the pride in voice evident. "How did last night go? Pascal said something about blowing fire, but he was half asleep when I brought him into my room."

"Yeah, I got the guy," he answered, rubbing her knuckles as they clenched his abdomen. It was still too early to even try explaining the Fire Breathing Pascal incident just yet. "Captain Mustache is mad as hell though."

"What did you do now?"

He opened his eyes and looked over his shoulder to see her pouting up at him. The freckles on her nose scrunched in a way that made her too almost adorable to be insulting.

"Excuse me, what makes you think it was my fault?"

"Did you burn down another tavern?"

"No, and that was once!" he lifted one finger for emphasis. "One time!"

"Did something explode?"

"No!" he said exasperatedly, freeing himself from her hands so he could flip over and face her properly. Her arms clung around him the instant he was settled, like magnets around his waist.

"So why is he upset with you?"

"Who knows, no matter what I do he'll just hate me," he sighed, already mad at himself for even bringing it up. "Oh yeah, your dress is kind of shot from last night. Sorry."

"Don't change the subject," she pouted, jabbing him in the chest with her finger with each word. "If you arrested the bad guy and everyone is safe, why is the Captain mad at you?"

"I dunno...I mean, I used Maximus during the arrest. Do you think that upset him?"

"Did you ask first?"

"What?" he gaped as she just asked him the most ridiculous question in the universe. "Why would I have to ask first?"

"Oh, Eugene," she groaned pressing her head against his chest.

"Wait, you really think that's what pissed him off?"

"Yes!" she groaned, rolling her eyes. "Eugene, if you don't show the Captain some kind of respect, how do you expect him to take you seriously?"

Eugene mumbled an incoherent answer under his breath as Rapunzel sighed.

"Promise me you'll go talk to him today, okay?"

"And say what, exactly? 'Hey sorry you got upset that I used your horse without permission. Next time I'll make sure to ask before chasing after a bad guy.' Not happening."

"Eugene," she scowled and he scowled back. He could play the staring game, too.

After an entire minute of silence he learned that Rapunzel was really good at the staring game. He needed to try different approach.

"I'll think about it," he answered with a sigh, resting his forehead against hers as she pouted. "How's that?"

"Not good enough," she huffed, as he began to trace her ribcage through her nightgown.

"Has anyone ever told you that you're adorable when you're bossy?"

"You're changing the subj-oh!" she gasped as his bandaged hand slowly slipped down her side.

"I don't really feel like talking about Captain No Fun right now," he whispered, diving next to her ear. His hand slid from her side, caressing her outer thigh through her gown, slow and sensual making sure she felt every motion, "I'll deal with him later, but right now I have more pressing matters to attend to."

"Like what?" she asked softly, acting tough, though he could tell she was close to surrendering.

"Lemme show you," he breathed in her ear huskily, as his hands wandered to grope her rear.

Rapunzel was never one for teasing, quickly closing the space between them in an intense, hungry lip-lock.

She curled her arms around his neck, pulling him over her. He groaned contently as he adjusted their positions. Soon she licked at the soft entrance to his mouth, eager as always.

He wasted no time in claiming her tongue and gently massaging it with his own, his hands needfully grabbing her hips. She moaned in return, and he felt her fingers thread through his hair. Skimming delightfully down his neck to allow his skin to prickle into gooseflesh.

Pulling away slowly, she began to place a line of openmouthed kisses along his neck, whispering secrets against his flesh.

He savored the heat of her mouth against him and the feel of her tongue. "Rapunzel," he sighed deeply, sliding uninjured hand up to cup her breast.

"I… I love you," she whispered between kisses that trailed up to his ear, and she gently tugged on his earlobe with her teeth

Wait...what?

He froze, his hand still along the fleshy mound of skin beneath her nightgown. Sensing something wrong, Rapunzel stopped her advances, pulling away to meet her green eyes with his amber.

"Eugene?" she asked instantly, face still flushed but filled with concern. Her hands cupped his face, "Eugene...are you ok-"

Suddenly there was a knock, causing them both to stare at the bedroom door. Eugene's heart began thumping so fast he numbly wondered if it could pound right through his chest.

"Mister Fitzherbert," came the familiar snotty voice of the King's page as he knocked again. "I know during your time as a ruffian sleeping late was acceptable, however it is time to get up."

"Shit," he cursed, turning to Rapunzel. "Stay put."

"Don't worry, he won't find me," she nodded, as he kicked the covers off. Looking down, he had completely forgotten he had fallen asleep in his clothes the night before.

"Let's hope not," he took a deep breath, trying to shake off the sinking feeling in his gut that threatened to eat him from the inside-out.

Adjusting his vest in place, he tousled his hair just right and made his way to the door as the page's voice grew even more annoyed.

"I shall give you until the count of three to open this door," he began as Eugene leaned against the doorframe, looking over his shoulders to see that Rapunzel had hidden herself quite stealthily in his closet. "One..."

Eugene began examining his finger nails, biding his time.

"Two..."

With a heavy sighed, he motioned for the knob.

"Th-oh!" the page began, but jumped with a start as Eugene flung the door opened.

"Well, if it isn't my favorite lackey," Eugene smirked, closing the door as the page tried to look around him to see what was inside his bedroom. "To what do I owe this pleasure?"

The page examined Eugene up and down, raising an eyebrow at the man before clearing his throat.

"His Royal Highness requests your presence in his study," the page announced, standing ramrod straight, and sneering at Eugene over his nose. "Immediately."

"Oh," he said, swallowing hard. "Um...is it bad news or good news?"

"I'll leave that for you to find out," the page smiled wickedly, before turning on his heel. "I shall informed His Majesty of your imminent arrival."

"No escort this time?"

"Hm...I would think that after imposing for so long you would know where to go," the page huffed over his shoulder. "Unless you need me to constantly hold your hand for you."

It was still early and Eugene was so far away from being in the mood to play witty-banter with the page that he just slammed the door in his face. Taking long steps across the room, he opened the closet to reveal Rapunzel crossing her arms over her chest, nervously.

"Your dad wants to see me," he said hurriedly. "You should probably go."

"Yeah...that would probably be best," she mumbled, as she made her way to his door, peaking out quietly to make sure the coast was clear. Turning over her shoulder, her eyes met his again. "Are you alright though? You seem really-"

"Listen, can we talk about this later?" he asked desperately, his eyes shifting to the door back to her. "Like when I'm not in trouble?"

"Who said you're in trouble?"

"Believe me, I just know," he said, kissing her chastely on the cheek before she scurried into the hallway. Closing the door behind him, he slid down the wooden door into a mess on the floor.

Not only did the Captain hate his guts, but now the King didn't seem to happy with him either. On top of that Rapunzel just confessed her love for him during a steamy make-out session and all he could do was stare at her.

This is why he never woke up before noon.


	7. Chapter 7

Ever since Rapunzel had returned, the royal housekeepers found themselves with copious amounts of entertainment. However, it was usually at Eugene's expense.

Though they did talk about his toned arms and impressive speed when running away from the Captain, they mostly took bets on when his biggest blunder would occur and if his majesty and the queen would actually humor the princess and allow a scoundrel in the royal family.

This morning, they were watching him pace in front of the King's study, pale-faced and sickly looking.

"He does not look good, Dorothea's going to win for sure," Bernice the handmaiden sighed to herself as she continued to dust the same vase across the hall. "Dammit, I could've used those extra thousand crowns."

Eugene was not aware of any of this as he continued to pace in front of the mahogany door nervously.

"Okay, okay just be cool," he coached himself, "He probably just wants to talk about the Captain...who hates my guts. And then he can chuck me out of here...not that Rapunzel will care after that suave display this morning."

He groaned painfully, turning to see his reflection in one of the palace's many hall mirrors.

"Well, this is just sad," he scolded his own reflection. "Look at yourself! You're a mess! Where's the Flynn Rider who'd walk into a pub and pay for a round with the money he pick pocketed from the entire bar then leave them with the tab? Where's the gusto? The confidence? Get it together!"

With lips pursed in determination, he adjusted his hair and wiped a few stray strands away from his face.

"Now you go in there and tell the old man that the Captain is nothing but a bitter blowhard and if he has something to say about it, then he can kiss your-"

"Oh morning, Mr. Rider!"

"ACK!" Eugene screamed femininely, turning to see Conli doing the same. "DAMMIT CONLI, DON'T DO THAT!"

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Conli blubbered, hands in front of his face apologetically. "I didn't mean to startle you; I thought you were alone until I heard you talking to someone!"

"Uh...yeah I was! To that...um...maid over there!" he turned to Bernice who was still dusting her vase, watching the show in front of her with enjoyment. "You dust the crap out of that vase, maid! You show that dust whose boss!"

"Whatever you say, sir," Bernice saluted before walking off in giggles.

"Wow," Conli said in awe as he watched Bernice walk away. "You really are a standup guy,

"Yeah, I am, aren't I?" he shoved his hands in his pockets before turning to the guard. "Anyway, so what about yourself? You okay from last night?"

"Oh, I'm more than okay - I'm completely inspired!" Conli announced, causing Eugene to take a step back. "I was a bit shell shocked last night, but you were amazing, Mr. Rider!"

"Uh...thanks?"

"Even though the Captain calls you a moron and an idiot and a no good lazy son of a bit-"

"I get it."

"Yes, well, even though he says you're all those things we…me and the other guards, you see…really find you to be…cool."

"Cool?" Eugene echoed, raising an eyebrow. Crossing his arms, he leaned against the wall with a grin. "Go on."

"Oh, just the coolest!" he grinned excitedly, before continuing in a hushed voice. "We're still trying to figure out how you were able to swipe the princess' tiara from under our noses!"

"Ah, well, that is one of my more impressive accomplishes," he chuckled mostly to himself, bathing in Conli's compliments like a pig in mud. "You see, the hard part was actually mapping the-"

"Oh, Mr. Fitzherbert," the King grinned, merrily as he stuck his head out of his study to see Eugene talking to Conli. "I thought I heard you out here. Come inside, my boy."

Eugene nodded, as Conli bowed to the King before stepping aside so Eugene could follow. Looking over his shoulder he saw Conli, still grinning like a ninny, walking off in the same direction the maid had left.

Closing the door behind him, the King motioned for Eugene to sit in the same overstuffed armchair he had when he had first ordered him to work alongside the guards. It had barely been a week, but he felt that so much had changed since his last visit.

"How is your hand feeling?" the King asked, still smiling as he sat at his desk.

"About the same," he shrugged, examining how tattered the bandages had become. "I'll have to get it rewound soon, but it doesn't hurt as much anymore."

"That's good," the King nodded, turning to the documents on his desk. "Rapunzel has been very worried for your well-being."

"She has?"

"Does this come as a surprise to you?" the King asked, his eyes peeking over the top of the documents.

"I guess not…she just hasn't said anything to me about it," he leaned back in his chair, rapping his fingers along its arms. "She just had Pascal tag along with me last time."

"Yes, I read about that little adventure in the report," the King chucked to himself. "It seems that you have quite a way with fire, don't you, Mr. Fitzherbert?"

Eugene didn't know if he was supposed to laugh or answer the question earnestly. He was tired from the night before, and his thoughts were still muddled with his strained relationship with the Captain and what had happened with Rapunzel that morning. He had no idea why the King had called him into his office, but he wish he would get it over with.

"When the Captain handed in his report this morning, he had asked me a why I choose for you to work alongside him," the King explained, as if reading Eugene's mind. "I told him that I trusted you, and you know what he said in return?"

"Did it involve a lot of screaming and mustache flaring?"

"Slightly. He claimed it was insanity that I could trust a man who had spent his entire life stealing from my Kingdom," he said, pushing the report to the side to lean back in his chair. "Eugene, I hope you are aware that I did not pardon you from your crimes against Corona simply because Rapunzel had taken a fancy to you."

"You…you didn't?"

"Not entirely, no. After returning her, my wife and I watched how you interacted with Rapunzel. How patient you were, and how much you truly cared about her. Love has a way of changing people, Mr. Fitzherbert. You are no longer the petty theft who had stolen the crown from my castle, but the man who reunited my family. Through these last two arrest you have shown that you are willing to put your life on the line to keep not just my daughter safe, but the entire kingdom. While I have seen your metamorphosis and trust you, it is your job to earn the Captain's trust as well. "

"But that's what I've been trying to do," he explained, "Working with the Captain; it seems that no matter what I say, he's never satisfied with me."

"If there's one thing I've learned during my reign as King it's that communication is more than just words alone," turning to the various files on his desk, the King pulled out another over-sized folder. "Now that we've had this little chat, I wish you luck."

"On what?"

"Your next assignment," the King beamed, handing him the folder. "I don't care how much the Captain wants to fire you, if your astounding arrests have proven anything it's that this is a partnership made in heaven!"

Taking the folder, Eugene nodded, as the King led him to the door. It shut it behind him with a loud slam, leaving him more confused than he had been before he walked in.


	8. Chapter 8

As Eugene made his way towards the Guards' Headquarters, the weight of the King's lecture set in.

Not only did the King and Queen trust him, but they believed in him too. Having never had parents growing up, Eugene wasn't sure if the fuzzy feeling growing in his chest was from praise or the early signs of the heart attack he was bound to suffer after all the emotional stress he'd undergone.

He didn't have time to think his symptoms through, as Rapunzel turned the corridor, nervously whispering to the chameleon who sat on her shoulder.

Rapunzel had barely noticed his presence by the time his lips had covered hers. Still clenching the King's folder, he wrapped his arms around her possessively. Her shock slowly melted into content as she wound her arms around his neck, deepening the kiss as he erased the doubts he had left in her head that morning. He pulled back leaving her flushed, and breathless.

"So," she whispered against his lips. "Good meeting?"

"You could say that," he said pecking her again before continuing. "I'm sorry about this morning...I'm just new at this whole dating a royalty thing."

"I understand, I've made this decision to date an ex-thief."

"A horrible decision, really."

"He's a little rough around the edges, but he's sweet," she looked up at him with her big green eyes, "I didn't mean to freak you out."

"It's not your fault," he sighed, "But I do-"

"RIDER! THERE YOU ARE!"

Before Eugene had fully recognized the familiar bellowing, the collar if his vest was already in the Captain's grip.

"Mornin' Princess," he said with a bow, holding Eugene up to his face with a sneer. "WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? I SENT CONLI TO FETCH YOUR NO GOOD HIDE AN HOUR AGO!"

"Wait...we're talking again?"

"SHUT UP!" the Captain then turned to Rapunzel and politely added, "Pardon me, you majesty, you don't mind if I borrow him, do you?"

"Uh...sure?" she shrugged turning to Eugene with a smile. "We can finish this later; duty calls!"

"Always a pleasure, Princess," the Captain smiled kindly before turning back to Eugene with a snarl. "Let's go, wise guy."

"Help me!" he whispered pathetically as the Captain dragged him down the hallway.

Not wanting to miss out on the action, Pascal jumped from Rapunzel's shoulder to follow.

"Don't even think about it," the Captain growled, not missing a beat and Pascal scurried back to Rapunzel's kind embrace, terrified.

As Eugene was dragged down the corridor, he heard the Captain mumble about " boneheaded pretty boys" and "creepy fiery chameleons".

"Soooo, we buds again, Capt?"

They neared the entrance to the headquarters, and the Captain pulled Eugene's collar upward so they were nose-to-nose. Or in Eugene's case, nose-to-mustache.

"I'm just gonna say this once, and only once," he hissed between gritted teeth, his pupils contrasted in fury. "I don't care if you wanna play the hotshot hero, but if you ever steal Maximus from me again, the King won't have to worry about having a thief as a son-in-law because there _won't_ be enough of you left to marry. Got it?"

"Got it."

"You sure now?"

"Positive."

"Because I can give you a demonstration if you'd like."

"No no, I'm quite all right."

"Good so now that that's done," The Captain grinned, dropping Eugene on the ground like a sack of potatoes and swiping the folder from his sweaty grip. "We can get started."

While his neck was sore, Eugene was happy that the Captain was back to just hating his guts instead of absolutely despising him. That was progress right?

"Oh C-Captain!" came a shaky voice from down the hall, and with a quick turn of their heads Eugene and the Captain recognized was Conli. "I-I've been looking all over for you!"

"Conli!" the Captain nodded as the guard saluted him. "Where have you been?"

"I-I went to pick up the reports like you ordered, but...um...the King informed me that you had already received them."

"Yeah, Rider had 'em," he said, whacking Eugene over the head with the folder as he climbed to his feet.

"Watch it," Eugene frowned, running his hands through his hair as his eyes caught something attached to Conli's under-armor. "Hey, what's that under your chest plate?"

"Oh! Uh...n-nothing," Conli stammered, blushing as he ripped whatever it was form his shirt. "N-nothing at all!"

"Conli, is that what I think it is?" the Captain asked, raising an eyebrow at his subordinate.

"Is _what_ what you think it is?"

"Uh...um...maybe?"

"Hand it over." The Captain sighed, as Conli nodded and sadly handed the mysterious object to his commander.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was demoted to a ghost here," Eugene frowned, crossing his arms over his chest impatiently. "No, it's fine. Keep being vague and cryptic with your mysterious pins. I don't even want to know what it is anymore; it's probably stupid."

"_You're_ stupid, now let's go," the Captain grumbled, placing the pin in his pocket before flipping through the King's documents.

As he and Conli followed the Captain down the stairs to the Guards' briefing room, Eugene skillfully picked his pocket, nabbing the pin. Careful not to draw attention to his plunder, he took a quick look at the pin to see that it was some sort of yellow badge with red trimming and the phrase _WWFRD_ printed across.

That was a weird thing to put on a badge. It didn't even have the sun design like the ones that boy was selling at the Lantern Festival. Turning it between his fingers, he shrugged, figuring it was just some stupid royal guard thing, before returning it to the Captain's pocket without him knowing.

A cloud of dust blew in Eugene's face as the Captain opened the door, revealing the already packed meeting room. As Eugene choked, Conli scurried up front to get a good seat at the table. As Eugene turned to sit in the back again, he was stopped by someone grabbing his elbow.

"Nah uh," the Captain frowned, "I want you up front."

"Why?" he hacked, as the Captain whacked him a little too hard on the back to "help".

"To make sure you're paying attention," the Captain then dragged him to the chair next to Conli, throwing him into the seat before stomping to the front of the room. After everyone was situated, he thew the folder onto the middle of the table, sending more dust flying and Eugene into another fit of coughing.

"First off, I'd like to congratulate you all on Cadabra's arrest last night. Also, I would like a round of applause for Private-" there was a snicker in the room that he knew came from Eugene, though he ignored it. "Conli, as without him we would not have been able to apprehend Cadabra so easily."

Eugene watched a Conli's face grew pink as the other guards clapped merrily for his accomplishment. It seemed sort of strange that cross dressing and being kidnapped by your target earned you praise in the Royal Guard. Though, he assumed it was just their way of handling their miserable inadequacy.

Looking around the table, Eugene noticed more of the guards wearing the tiny _WWFRD_ buttons. Most were hidden from view, pinned to their under-armor, most likely due to the Captain's open disapproval.

"Hey Conli," he whispered with the side of his mouth to the nervous looking guard. "About those badges everyone is wearing..."

"O-oh," Conli squeaked, growing flustered and wringing his hands nervously. "Y-you see...Mr. Rider...um...or is it Fitzherbert? It's very confus-"

"Don't worry about it," he whispered, waving him on. "The badges."

"Um...well...they're a bit of a morale booster," he explained quickly, his eyes darting between Eugene and the Captain. "To encourage us to do what someone we admire would do."

Raising an eyebrow, he watched as the guard fiddled with his helmet as others adjusted the badges, hiding them from the Captain's view. Suddenly it hit him: WWFRD was an acronym.

What Would Flynn Rider Do?

Looking around, he saw that each guard with badge would turn to him briefly, before turning away. He saw that one guy in the back had tried to style his hair like his, while another was in the early stages of growing a soul-patch. A warmth spread throughout his chest; not only were the guards respecting him, but they idolized him too.

He had _fans_!

"Rider!" the Captain's gruff voice called, breaking him from his thoughts. He felt a ball of paper pelt the side of his head. "Pay attention, damn it! Unless you want us all to get blown to bits by TNT!"

"Why on earth would we be messing around with TNT?" Eugene asked, as he tossed the paper ball back, hitting the Captain in the face.

"Because TNT is the name of our next target, you idiot. And he has enough explosives in his headquarters to blow up this entire island!"

"What am I supposed to do about it? Drench it all with water?"

The Captain's eyebrows rose, as he began to rub his chin in thought. Eugene groaned from his chair.

Him and his big mouth.


	9. Chapter 9

Figuring it would be better to play fair, Eugene allowed the Captain to ride Maximus without any fuss. Sure, he hated the sickly brown horse, but at least it gave the appearance that he was considerate.

He also had a few questions for a certain nervous guard.

Eugene waited until the Captain was too busy yelling orders to trot up to Conli, casually bringing up conversation.

"So," he started, and in the corner of his eye he saw Conli jump from his saddle. "This TNT guy sounds pretty serious, huh?"

"O-oh, yes!" Conli nodded overzealously, nearly knocking his helmet off. "We needed a lot of men for this operation!"

"Seems that way," Eugene nodded what appeared to be a small army trotting behind them, all following the Captain to some place he would've known if he hadn't had fallen asleep during the briefing. "Listen, Con-man, I have a question for you."

"Please don't let the C-captain hear you say that, Mr. Rider," Conli stammered softly, "I am not by any means a 'Con-man'."

"Nonsense, I saw you in that dress last night," Eugene winked, elbowing the guard as they trotted along. "You can turn tricks with the best of them!"

Conli blushed, looking down at the reins of his horse awkwardly. From the corner of his eye, Eugene made sure the Captain was still too busy barking to notice their chitchat.

"Anywho, as I was saying," he continued. "This morning when I went into the King's office, you didn't wait outside like you usually would."

"Y-yes, I did," Conli squeaked, blushing deeper. "After you left, I specially asked his majesty for today's assignment."

"Yeah sure, but you wandered off before then - looking quite smitten I might add - so I was wondering what you were following, or rather, who you were following?"

Eugene stopped when he noticed how red Conli was becoming. He smirked at his own cleverness, leaning against the horn of his saddle, resting his head on his palm.

"Oh, was it a lady friend?" he stopped for a moment to think, before adding in a hush whisper. "Or a manly friend...I don't judge. Whatever tickles your-"

"N-n-no, it's a lady! A lady!" Conli nearly shouted, causing a few of the guards around them to look.

"So...what's her name?"

"Bernice," Conli sighed, blushing again before fidgeting with his reins. "She's one of the...um...handmaidens?"

"Hmm..her name doesn't sound familiar," Eugene rested his hand on his chin in thought. "Would I know her?"

"She was the one who you encouraged to dust that vase this morning."

"She dusts?"

"Yeah," Conli nodded, mimicking dusting in the air. "She dusts."

"Have you told her how you felt?"

"Oh...um...well...no."

"Okay...how about flirted."

"Uhhh..."

"Have you ever spoken to her?"

"O-one does not simply speak to a beautiful being such as Bernice!" Conli stammered, blushing profusely as he turned to Eugene. "I mean...when you first met Princess Rapunzel...did you just talk to her?"

"Uh, well no...actually she knocked me out with a cast iron skillet then tied me to a chair," he said without thinking, and quickly held his hands up, "But afterwards I definitely talked to her!"

"I-I'm sure it's easy for you," Conli said, shrugging shyly. "You're...well...you're Flynn Rider."

They rode in silence as Eugene pursed his lips together, before turning to Conli, "Listen, if you want any point-"

Eugene's sentence was cut short as a helmet zipped through the air, nailing him in the side of the head and knocking him off his horse, into the brushed below.

"Quit gossiping, Rider!" the Captain roared from his horse.

"What is wrong with you?" Eugene screeched as he untangled himself from the shrubbery. "You could've killed me!"

"Yeah, but I didn't so stop being a baby and get over here," he smirked, jumping from Maximas' back, "and return my subordinate's helmet; he needs it more than you do."

"Gee thanks," Eugene rolled his eyes as he tossed the feathery helmet to its owner. Following the Captain on foot, they neared a small cave mine entrance. "This the place?"

"Yeah," the Captain nodded before turning to their troop. "Listen up, men! We'll be splitting up into three groups: group delta, lead by Maximus, will guard the entrance during our operation, while group beta, lead by Conli, will work on following the map and locating where the dam water has created a reservoir. Afterwards, group Alpha will release the water, by mining the walls, saturating TNT's explosives, rendering him helpless."

Nodding in unison, the guards broke up into groups leaving Eugene alone with the Captain and a rickety looking cart.

"I'm guessing we're team Alpha then?"

"Good guess," the Captain sneered, shoving him into the cart. "Now just stay quiet until the others find the reservoir."

Looking behind the cart, Eugene watched as Conli and the others lined behind them.

"Wait...we're all going in this way?"

"Do you see another way in?"

"Uh...no."

"Then stop back-seat driving and shut up."

Pouting, Eugene crossed his arms as the carts slowly entered the mine. Both lighting gas lamps, the Captain and Conli provided the only means of light in the cave, making it difficult to see his hand in front of his face, let alone a reservoir.

Traveling deeper and deeper into the mine, Eugene couldn't help but feel the familiar sense of boredom. He was tempted to ask the Captain if he had any idea where they were headed, but figure it best to just sit and be quiet until something - anything, really - happened.

Then came the clicking.

At first he thought it was the cart, but soon it grew louder, and quicker.

Click. Click. Click.

"Do you guys hear that?"

Click. Click. Click. Click.

"Hear what?"

Click. Click. Click. Click. Click.

"You don't hear that? That...that clicking!"

"O-oh! I h-hear it too! I thought it was just m-me though..."

Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click!

"It's getting louder!"

"Shut up, Rider, I hear it! But where is it coming fro?"

Click! Click! Click! Click! Click...click!

"That last one was weird."

Suddenly, with a BOOM! the walls of the mine lit up in multicolored sparklers, lighting the once darken passage way with color. From overhead came a deep, smooth voice, chucking before finally greeting them.

_"Hello, Gentlemen!"_

"Damn it, he knows we're here," the Captain grumbled, looking around. "Show yourself, TNT! We know you're out there!"

_"And ruin the mystique? No...you know me, Captain. I'm never one to end a show early."_

"A show?" Eugene questioned, looking at the Captain who was gritting his teeth in rage. "What show? I don't wanna see a show."

"Quiet," the Captain hissed. "He's just trying to scare us."

"U-uh...uh...uh C-captain?" Conli squealed, and Eugene spun around to see that the cart he and the other guards were occupying was currently turning onto a different set of tracks.

"Crap, he has the carts on lines...I should've known."

_"I'm overjoyed that you've invited more of your little friends to explore my home, Captain, but why only show part of the tour? Variety is the spice of life, you know, and I'm sure they'd love to see things other than that hideous pond your cart-mate left in my house!"_

Eugene would've apologized for flooding this guys house, but TNT sounded like an asshole so he didn't.

Suddenly both carts came to a stop, Conli's facing sideways while Eugene and Captain's halted at the edge of a steep looking drop.

_"Now, without further ado, I must ask you to keep all limbs inside the cart!"_

"Uh...Capt?"

_"Because the ride is not for the faint of heart!"_

"Yeah, Rider?"

_"Hold on tight, don't lose your breath!"_

"We're gonna die, aren't we?"

_"And prepare to fall to your **death**."_

"Shut up, Rider."

And off the carts flew, so fast Eugene felt the skin on the face push back, and he gripped the edge of the cart for dear life. As their cart zipped down the rails, he couldn't be sure if the girlish screams were coming from him or the Captain.

It was definitely the Captain.


	10. Chapter 10

Down, down, and further down their minecart fell, riding along the railway TNT had set up before their visit.

They fell for so long that Eugene had actually begun to grow tired of screaming in fear, and instead his thoughts wandered to just how far down they could fall until they hit something - anything really.

The Earth's core, perhaps? Unless they could zip right through and ride to China, maybe? The possibilities were as endless as their rails appeared to be.

In front of him, the Captain's was still gripping the cart for dear life. Unlike Eugene who's screams as wound down, the Captain only bellowed louder. Cursing not just TNT for his stupid rails, but Eugene for just being stupid.

Only the Captain could blame him for something he had nothing to do with.

"Rider, look!" bellowed the Captain, breaking Eugene's thoughts as he pointed ahead of them. Though barely visible in the dark, he saw that the rails in front of them were leading to an even darker and deeper pit. This one without rails.

Eugene felt his heart sink, as if it had jumped ahead and fell into the pit early.

They really were going to die.

His thoughts flashed to Rapunzel. How her freckles wrinkled on her nose when she had smiled at him that morning. The way her slightly bucked-teeth peeked from behind her lips as the Captain had pulled him away from her.

_"We can finish this later,"_ she had promised. _"Duty calls!"_

Her voiced echoed in his mind as his sinking heart rose back up with a fiery determination stronger than any of TNT's dynamite.

There was no way in hell he was going out like this.

He had a conversation to finish, and he wasn't one to keep a Princess waiting.

Desperate for any way out, Eugene scanned the walls they were quickly passing. The only thing standing out were the small ledges off the side, with one coming up fast that could possibly hold their combined weight.

It was a chance, but it was better than nothing.

"Capt!" Eugene yelled, as he pointed to the ledge ahead. "You think you can make that jump?"

"Are you crazy? It's too far; we'll never make it!"

"Not with that attitude," Eugene huffed, as he stood up and climbed to the edge of the cart. The speed which the cart rolled made it hard to balance, but he didn't earn his reputation from letting a little thing like equilibrium stop him. Taking a deep breath, he lunged forward, throwing his entire body into the jump.

As he flew towards the rocks across, he tucked and rolled across the ledge as he landed. Skidding to the edge before stopping, he slowly looked up to see that the Captain had not followed him across.

Panicked, Eugene turned to the cart that the Captain still occupied.

"CAPT!" he screamed, as he scrambled to his feet. "CAPT, JUMP!"

"I...I can't, Rider," the older man grunted. "I...I won't be able to make it."

"SHUT UP, YOU WILL!" Eugene reached his arm out to the Captain, "PLEASE, CAPT! FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, JUST TRUST ME!"

Both men looked ahead of the cart, as it neared the end of the line, literally.

"Please, Capt," Eugene begged, his bandaged hand stretched out as his other gripped the rocky wall for support. "Please."

Taking a deep breath, the Captain hurled himself forward. Unlike Eugene, he wasn't able to get as much air, and flailed wildly for Eugene's outstretched hand. Eugene was ready, however, and managed remain anchored as the Captain grabbed his hand and pulled him down.

"Rider!" the Captain bellowed as Eugene strained to hold onto him as he dangled from the edge of the ledge. "Rider, don't you dare let me fall!"

"I...won't..." Eugene grunted through gritted teeth, his boots skidding slightly along gravel as he strained his back to pull the Captain up on the ledge. "I just...need you to help me...pull you...up."

Nodding, the Captain hoisted himself upward, using the combine efforts to rise himself up, and over the ledge. As he crawled on top of the gravel, an enormous blast of erupted from the pit below in a fiery infernos, sending rocks and bits of debris shooting towards them. The roaring of the explosion settled after a few minutes, and the cave returned to its tranquil, yet eerie silence.

"Explosives," the Eugene panted after the dust had settled, sitting against the cave's wall for support. "Of course he would plant explosives."

"He wanted to make sure we went out with a bang," the Captain groaned, as he sat up, leaning against the rocky wall alongside Eugene who was chuckling at his comment.

The Captain wasn't sure what it was; the near-death experience, the cart ride from hell, or the fact that they were both hopeless lost in some dark, bomb infested caver, but for whatever reason he began to chuckle too.

"See?" Eugene managed between his chuckled as he lightly punched the Captain in the arm with what little strength he had left. "I told ya to trust me."

"Yeah," the Captain said, shaking his head in disbelief as he chuckled. "Yeah, you did."

Their chuckles grew to nervous laughter, and their hysteria bounced off the walls. Echoing across the cave in unison.


	11. Chapter 11

Twenty minutes into their climb back up the mine, Eugene was really regretting not dying in the mine cart explosion.

"Capppptttt," he whined as he scaled steep tracks like a ladder, unable to see how close they were to the top thanks to the Captain's ass in his face. "Are we there yet?"

"Shut up, Rider," the Captain growled, purposely dislodging a rock so it would hit Eugene in the face on the way down.

The warm and fuzzy moment the two had shared due to surviving their near death experience was short-lived as they attempted to make their way up the mine rails in hopes of regrouping.

"Do you really think TNT has this whole place bugged?" asked Eugene as he glanced around the darken caverns that seemed to somehow get darker the more upwards they went.

"Do you really think that's a smart thing to ask in a place that may be bugged?"

The Captain couldn't see Eugene's reaction from behind him, but he assumed that it was rude.

They climbed in silence a bit before a little bit of light caught Eugene's eye. Shimming to the edge, he saw that the light was coming from a crack in the wall. He looked up to see that the Captain was still climbing.

"Hey Capt," he called, whistling to get the guard's attention. "I think I found something."

"Is it a good something or a bad something?" the Captain asked skeptically.

"You tell me."

The Captain grumbled as he made his way down to see the bit of light creeping through the gravel, like a poorly kept secret.

"Huh...wonder what that is?" he asked, his mustached face scrunched up as he peered into the hole with one eye, still holding onto the rail like a ladder.

"Only one way to find out!" Eugene smirked as he grabbed the Captain's sword by its handle, pulling it from its scabbard.

"HEY!" the Captain hollered as his personal bubble was blatantly popped as Eugene held the sword with one hand, poking at the gavel like the worst worst miner ever. "RIDER! THAT'S NOT WHAT IT'S MEANT FOR!"

"What do you mean that's not what it's meant for?" Eugene asked, as he shanked the wall, making the hole bigger and releasing more light into the dark cavern. "Swords are meant for stabbing - I don't think it matters if it's a rock wall or some poor guy's gut!"

The Captain was about to yell about the value of the sword Eugene was currently using as a pickaxe, when he was interrupted by the wall crumbling, revealing a ledge leading into a well-lit passage.

"Viola!" Eugene said, making a leap from their makeshift ladder to the ledge, the Captain following close behind.

After they landed onto the ledge, both men looked around the new tunnel. With his hands on his hips, Eugene admired his handiwork. "My genius never ceases to amaze m-MMPH!"

He was cut off by the Captain's glove hand smothering his mouth, the dirt and rocks from their lovely commute currently lodging themselves into his nostrils.

"Ssshhh," the Captain hissed, as he dragged him to the side of the passage, pressing them both against the gravely wall.

Eugene stopped himself from biting the Captain's hand when he saw the silhouette of a tall, lanky figure, bent over what appeared to be a workbench. His eyes darted from the figure to the Captain, and both men released where they had just ended up: TNT's hideout.

What stupid luck.

With his hand still on Eugene's mouth, the Captain whispered their next step.

"We're currently steps away from enough explosives to blow this entire island off the globe," he hissed between his teeth. "I dunno where Conli and his troop have ended up, but we need to somehow disarm the explosives by picking the walls and flooding the workshop. Do you understand?"

Eugene couldn't answer so he just nodded his head and tried to breathe through his nose without gagging on the Captain's dirty glove.

"Since you seem to have a good eye for these things, your job is finding which wall is closest to the reservoir and to get digging. I'll work on distracting TNT."

Eugene raised an eyebrow skeptically, wordlessly saying, "_And how am I supposed to find where the reservoir is located_?"

"You're the 'genius,' Rider," the Captain smirked as he removed his hand from the ex-bandit's mouth, allowing Eugene to inhale some much needed air as he thrusted a tiny dagger into his hand. "I'm sure you'll figure it out."

Before Eugene could get a word in edgewise, the Captain was already off, blending into the shadows to corner TNT. Groaning, Eugene made his way to the other side of the workshop, hiding behind various pieces of furniture and dangerous looking powders and fuses.

"Go find the reservoir, he says," he grumbled as he began stupidly feeling walls for anything that felt wet. "Drown the bad guy, he says. Anyway he could've told me where the hell I should even start..."

Taking hold of the tiny dagger, Eugene began to randomly stab at the wall, hoping for any sign of water. A splash, a leak, a drip...anything. What he wasn't expecting was a stab back, as a sword made its appearance through the rocks.

Stealthy, Eugene rolled away as the blade thrusted through the wall before retracting quickly.

"I-I-I'm s-sorry!" whispered a very familiar, nervous voice. "Is there anybody on the other s-s-side? I didn't mean to almost s-stab you if there is!"

"Conli?" Eugene hissed as he made his way back to the hole.

"O-oh, Mr. Rider - I mean Fitzherbert!" Conli whispered as he wedged his sword around the hole, making it bigger. "So happy to have found you!"

"Same here. Are your men okay?"

"My troops and I are fine, however we...um...seem to find ourselves in a sort of...wet situation."

"Wet?" Eugene asked, leaning forward to get a better look at the other side of the wall. "What do you mean wet?"

"W-well...um...water, Mr. Fitzherbert," said Conli as he pointed down to the slowly rising water that he was currently standing waist-high in. "And a-a lot of it."

Eugene was about to celebrate his good fortune for a second time when he was ripped from his thoughts by the strong stench of gunpowder. And then there was a bang.

"EVERYBODY MOVE BACK!"


	12. Chapter 12

"EVERYBODY MOVE BACK!" yelled Eugene to the troops as a small bomb went off to his right.

Rolling out of the way, he ducked behind an oversized cabinet as watched as the Captain and TNT fought around the small work space.

On the offensive, TNT threw small bombs at the Captain with his gangly, long arms. The mustachioed man was avoiding the small bursts of fire while waving his sword towards TNT, hoping to distract the villain long enough to keep him from blowing them all sky high. Unfortunately, the cave was damp and dark, making it difficult for TNT's bombs to be very effective or the Captain's sword to hit anything but air.

Accessing his surroundings, Eugene knew the water Conli and his men were currently wading in was their only chance at disarming TNT before he had time to bring out the big guns. Or in this case, big bombs. Though, at the same time, the amount of water they were working with wasn't nearly enough to do the amount of damage they needed.

Seeing that Conli was still trying to pry his way out from behind the wall with his sword, Eugene came up with an idea.

"Hey Conli," he whispered, not wanting to gain the attention of TNT who was currently throwing miniature fire crackers towards the Captain. "I have a plan, but first I need you to stop trying to make that hole bigger."

"What?" Conli gasped, feeling the water rise up towards his abdomen. "But, Mr. Fitzherbert, the w-water is rising and the C-Captain needs our help to defeat-"

"I know, but I need you to trust me on this so we can help him," Eugene said, hoping he had gained some sort of trust with the troop. "Can you do that? Can you trust me?"

Taking a moment, Conli turning to his men, flashing his WWFRD pin as they flashed their's back.

"Of course, Mr. Fitzherbert," said Conli as confident as he could make his voice sound. "What do you need us to do?"

"Alright," Eugene said, sighing with relief. "First, I need you to find out where the water is coming from."

Instantly, the sound of water sloshing followed, as Conli's men began feeling the walls for the source of the water.

"Commander! We've found the wall!"

"Great," Eugene said. "Now, this is the hard part. Conli, I'm gonna need you guys to break down that wall."

"WHAT?" Conli shrieked. "B-B-BUT WE'LL DROWN!"

"Ssshhh!" hissed Eugene, "We gotta do this without TNT knowing or else he'll egnite his whole workshop and drowning to death will be the least of our worries."

"Ok," sighed Conli, turning from his troops to Eugene. "I'm assuming after we've broken the wall, we'll have to trust you to open this hole to release the entire reservoir into TNT's hideaway, yes?"

"That's basically the blueprint I'm going with here," said Eugene. "Now hurry up, you're already losing some water from this hole here."

"Alright, on three," said Conli, as Eugene prepared himself by wedging his dagger within the peephole and the soldiers prepared to take down the wall. "One..."

Hearing the ruckus, the Captain looked towards Eugene, seeing what he was doing and instantly panicking.

"Two..."

"RIDER STOP!"

"Capt?"

"THREE!"

With a loud BOOM! all the water from the reservoir burst through the walls in a wave, taking out Eugene, Conli, their troops, the Captain and TNT. With a violent current, the water took out everything in its path, destroying what was left of the mine carts, the rocks, and anything else in its way.

Not having time to catch his breath, Eugene tried desperately to gasp for air whenever he could, which wasn't often. His mind went fuzzy, then dark. Quickly, the water broke out from the cave, draining onto the greenery of the forest with a violent SPLASH!

The men heaved for air as the water drained from the now burst side of the cave. The enormity of the splash had scared all the surrounding animals away, except for Maximus who had galloped to the scene and has taken it upon himself to arrest TNT but sitting on the man until the Captain and his troops had caught their breath.

After a moment, one soldier had looked around to see that someone was missing from their party, "Hey! Where's Rider?"

Instantly, the Captain jumped to his feet as Maximus looked around frantically for Eugene, with his rear still firmly planted on TNT.

"Conli, Maximus, take TNT into custody!" barked the Captain, "I'll find Rider!"

Everyone nodded nervously as the Captain ran off, looking for their missing party member.

"RIDER!" he yelled. "RIDER! WHERE ARE YOU?"

Turning around a tree, he grumbled, "This better not be another one of his jokes..."

He stopped when he saw the man, laying on the ground, nearly blue in the face. "RIDER!"

Running to Eugene's side, placing his ear next to his mouth and nose. Nothing. He checked for a pulse. Nothing.

"Damn it, Rider," gritted the Captain, as he begun chest compressions, "You're not dying on my watch...not like this, anyway!"

The Captain titled Eugene's head back, pinching his nose close as he inhaled a deep breath. As he leaned in to cover Eugene's mouth with his, the ex-con decided it would be the most opportunity moment to cough up his excess water into the Captain's face.

"ACK!" coughed Eugene as he tried to roll away, barely conscious but still enough to register that he was about to get too close for comfort to the Captain. "No-ACK-consent!"

Frowning, the Captain wiped away the water from his face as Eugene continued to cough the rest out onto the grass.

"Well...ok," laughed Eugene nervously, as his breathing began to even, "So, that was the second time I almost died. Hey Capt, you think third time's the-"

He was cut short by the Captain punching him in the face, sending him flying back onto the grass. Quickly lifting his head, Eugene was barely able to dodge the mustached man's next swing.

"WHAT THE HELL, CAPT?"

"ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING?" screamed the Captain as grabbed Eugene by the collar. "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING SENDING THE ENTIRE RESERVOIR SHOOTING INTO THE ROOM?"

Eugene kicked the Captain off him, releasing him from his chokehold and sending the man tumbling onto the grass.

"Because you told me to do it!" Eugene fought, as the Captain flew back to his feet and lunged back at him, sending them both to the ground in a tussle.

"All you had to do," grunted the Captain and he pinned Eugene to the ground. "Was find the reservoir to flood the workshop! You think that means use the entire Kingdom's water supply to drown EVERYONE including the EVIDENCE?"

"How the hell was I supposed to know that's what you wan-OOFED!"

"BY USING YOUR FREAKING HEAD!" yelled the Captain as he slammed Eugene into the dirt. "All you ever do is think of the here and now but never the CONSEQUENCES of your actions and this time you nearly DIED!"

"SCREW YOU!" screamed Eugene as he kicked the Captain off him, sending him flying. "THIS ENTIRE TIME YOU'VE DONE NOTHING BUT TOLD ME TO SHUT UP AND LISTEN AND NOW THAT I HAVE YOU PULL THIS? GOD, SCREW YOU!"

Breathing heavily, Eugene climbed to his feet and from the ground the Captain of the Guard watched him, silently.

"I'm done," said Eugene, still heaving. "I'm done with you, I'm done with the troops, I'm freaking done."

He turned to make his way back to the kingdom.

"And what about Princess Rapunzel?" yelled the Captain. "How do you expect to protect her without us?"

An image of the WWFRD pins flashed in Eugene's mind.

"WELL?!" shouted the Captain, "ANSWER ME, DAMMIT!"

What _would_ Flynn Rider do?

"I'll protect her myself," said Eugene, turning over his shoulder at the Captain before making his way back to the Kingdom by foot.


End file.
